I moved my bed to the center of my three beautiful windows that face my front yard. It's been a nice change to wake up on these crisp autumn days and open my windows to change. I am quite jealous, though, of my neighbors yard, covered in orange, yellow, red, and green leaves that blanket the grass, with both trees covered in the same colors for many many more weeks.

I woke up the other morning, with the sun shining on my face, and as I opened my heavy eyes I notice many dark spots on my ceiling. As as I focused, I noticed that the these small spots were ladybugs. And a sense of luck washed over me. Call me supersticious, but I needed it the very moment.

Tear stained pillows cover my room.

It's been a tough few months, with the passing of my grandfather, and a week ago the passing of my baby, my pride, my joy, my love, my dog of 13 years. It's hard. It's weird. Coming home in the morning hours after a hard night at work, hoping to hear him slide through the door just to say "oh hi mommy, lets go to sleep now" and then only a few hours later to see his small black nose barely rest on my sheets, because of his short legs, asking me to get up and go outside with him. It's hard to explain the undenying love that we shared for each other. It's hard to explain that without words, he walked with me from my times of starting high school to my move into nashville. He's been a huge part of my life. Comforting me during my sickness, giving me kisses while I cried, welcoming me home everytime I walked in the door.

death is very real.

My grandfather dying three months ago has scarred my heart in an untelling way. His love, our bond, will always be remembered in my heart. But it's like a wound that has gone away, you never remember the feeling of how much it hurt, you just remember the way it looked. I loved him very much. And as I remember that love, I will never get to feel it the way I did when I saw him in person. Same goes for my dog.

Life is stressful.
Death is hard.

But there is always something new and exciting happening. Which is the luxury of this life. The pain will go away, but slowly, and I'm okay with that.

♥
the end.

Rob Bell posted these on his Twitter today, and they were pretty encouraging:

Blessed are you, for God is with you, God is on your side, God meets you in that place.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who on a regular basis have a dark day in which despair seems to be a step behind them wherever they go.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those stumble, trip, and fall in the same place again and again.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who ache because of how severely out of whack the world is.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who have run out of strength, ideas, will power, resolve, or energy.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

Blessed are those who don't have it all together.
about 3 hours ago from TweetDeck

♥
the end.

Well, the grasses are swaying, the suns going down
Music is playing, you’re weaving through town
Pull into the drive way, toss it in park
You stare out of the windshield, out into the world
It was all for the love of a wayward girl
Who left you with a second place smile and a broken heart

The streetlights are starting to flicker to life
They glow for a minute then they get bright
Fireflies light up circle and spark
But there’s nothing really that you can do
Put your hands in your pockets and try to get through
The distance between the daylight and the dark

The front porch flags lie themselves down
Like forgotten soldiers and old wedding gowns
In closets unopened and graves without any marks
As the night curtains lower behind the rooftops
Shadows dance across the sidewalks
Ricochet off of the houses like pieces of art

You’re mind is reeling as the sky is changing
All you’re feeling and you’re re-arranging
The rest of your life like lines on an old sailors chart
You climb back in and fire the ignition
Put your hands on the wheel and head into the distance
The distance between the daylight and the dark

♥
the end.

A lot of changes in two weeks.

Apparently I picked another winner, who in turn, decided to be more disrespectful with my feelings than I had ever intended. I refuse to allow shallow people in my life, and every once in awhile they slip through the cracks and I am once again re-evaluating why I chose to let this certain person get to know me. Frustrations are abound, but it's okay. I'll get over it. I'm learning to let things like this roll off my back, because they come so often.

Secondly I moved into a new home with one of my best friends in the world, as well as another lady who is equally wonderful. I'm going to miss my old house, and my friends that I lived with before, but this change was a must. So many things went into the final decision to move out. Now, I have my dog, a giant porch, and a big beautiful house with a lot of character. I'm excited to see the transition I make as I'm living in this house.

And last, my grandfather, whom I loved more than words could express, passed away on August 3, 2009. This past weekend was spent in Kentucky with my extended family. It was a very bittersweet time, but it was expected. Having the whole family there really helped ease the pain of loss. But his visitation was more than I expected, and his funeral was exactly as I had hoped it to be. It's still a surreal feeling knowing that I'm not going to ever see him again.

And that is a hard feeling.

But, I'm going to keep going, hoping to establish some of his traits in my daily life, and remember him always, as well as telling the stories of what kind of man he was to my future children. It makes me sad that they will never get to know him the way that I did.

♥
the end.

[my friend NiTasha is one of the best writers i know.]

you show them all
a real good time
always laughing with your
tired brown eyes
and you move so fast
but it feels too slow
when bad news comes
you say it's how it goes

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

you hate it when
they're always late
you hate it when
you have to wait
and you have so much
you never show
there are things that
they will never know

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

i wanna take you
somewhere else
to breathe
to feel a little more like yourself
and watch your heavy eyes
just sleep
a day with no place
you have to be

but easy, honey
you're one of the good ones
even when it comes undone
easy, honey
all will be well here
all is gonna come clear
just you hold on

"Late one afternoon, while waiting for a Fifth Avenue bus, I noticed a taxi stop across the street to let out a girl who ran up the steps of the Fourty-second Street public library. She was through the doors before I recognized her, which was pardonable, for Holly and libraries were not an easy association to make. I let curiousity guide me between the lions, debating on the way whether I should admit following her or pretend coincidence. In the end I did neither, but concealed myself some tables away from her in the general reading room, where she sat behind her dark glasses and a fortress of literature she'd gathered at the desk. She sped from one book to the next, intermittently lingering on a page, always with a frown, as if it were printed upside down. She had a pencil poised above paper--nothing seemed to catch her fancey, still now and then, though for the hell of it, she made laborious scribblings. Watching her, I remembered a girl I'd known in school, a grind, Mildred Grossman. Mildred: with her moist hair and greasy spectacles, her stained fingers that dissected frogs and carried coffee to picket lines, her flat eyes that only turned toward the stars to estimate their chemical tonnage. Earth and air could not be more opposite than Mildred and Holly, yet in my head they acquired a Siamese twinship. And the thread of thought that had sewn them together ran like this: the average personality reshapes frequently, every few years even our bodies undergo a complete overhaul--desireable or not, it is a natural thing that we should change. All right, here were two people who never would. That is what Mildred Grossman had in common with holly Golightly. They would never change because they'd been given their character too soon; which, like sudden riches, leads to lack of proportion: the one had splurged herself into a top-heavy realist, the other a lopsided romantic. I imaginged them in a restaurant of the future, Mildred still studying the menu for its nutritional values, Holly still gluttonous for everything on it. It would never be different. They would walk through life and out of it with the same determined step that took small notice of those cliffs at the left. Such profound observations made me forget where I was; I came to, startled to find myself in the gloom of the library, and surprised all over again to see Holly there."


Breakfast at Tiffany's
Truman Capote

my best friend about a year ago introduced myself to the movie 'Triplets of Belleville'. The other day I rediscovered it. The gist of this silent film is about a grandmother who is trying to make her grandson happy, by discovering his fascination for bicycles, she buys him one. Only to show in the future with him contending in the Tour de France, with his grandmother as his trainer. During the race, the grandson and a few others are kidnapped and taken to Belleville. The grandmother then sets out (with the family dog) to find him. The two are discovered by three former famous vaudevillians - The Triplets of Belleville, who help to rescue her grandson.
This movie caught my attention with the unusual visual images. The characters are not the prettiest of types, but you fall in love with their unique quirkiness. This, as well as the few songs played during the movie capture the essence of what is happening making this film one of a kind.



♥
the end.

♥
the end.

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

my dad used to tell my brothers and i that "black clouds are our friend" to calm us down during a storm.

sometimes, when things are going wrong, or life is just not making sense, i remember what he said. because even when it's storming, things will look up and it only makes us stronger.

my friends, and myself, are going through some heavy feelings right now.
it doesn't make sense, but i only hope for the best for all of us.

my friend, amanda lee, once said to me "we only live once, so why can't we just make the best of it."
i'm taking her advice and walking through this sorrow with my head up.

♥
the end.